Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Law Firm Bonuses: How much do corporate lawyers really get shafted this season

So the consensus is in: lawyers really are all tight-lipped, crapehanging, monkey schlong-hoppers. Also, this just in, we love getting pole too. Our lovable ATL has gratefully let us all in on how our low-balling monkey suit bosses are lining their pockets with bananas and throwing us the peels. Well, jokes on them! If you stick bananas in your pockets, you'll have pockets full of creamy, wet banana mush, and we'll get biofuel grade delectables (so switch with us now if you're reading this).  OK, in all fairness, and to maintain some perspective, a bonus of a few tens of thousands of dollars is super. I'm not turning it down from some high horse pillared view of the world. Most people probably get a Christmas turkey for their bonus, and by Christmas turkey, i mean an e-card with a turkey dancing on it. Or nothing at all. For those that have only worked in law firms, most monkey shops don't always give you an automatic bonus every year, and even less - an automatic bonus that increases every year. or a 'promotion' every year either. crazy huh? I do wonder what bankers are getting this year. One banker buddy of mine told me that they would be thankful to not get fired. that's a pretty finger-lickin good bonus. I remember one dude who used to work at a bank that he described as 'not really on the low-end of the street, but rather completely off the street, like in brookylnn off the street' got a bonus that was less than our weekly salary, and depending on who u are...maybe less than a day's work. ouchie.

but on a somewhat serious note, can't someone (besides cahill cuz who the fuck works at cahill) step out of this rigormortis bonus line and stick ur neck out! 2010 - okay so part of the year was shitty, so we get a whole year of shitty bonus. but half of it was good! i rememebr billing a shitload. 2011 - okay so we're in a second dip or whatever, but i also remember billing a shitload in the first half. in fact, if you add up the two busy halves, i billed over 2,500. how can that justify two years of shitty bonuses?

Friday, December 16, 2011

Playing Hooky VI

here's anoterh tip for all u slackers that like to get in late/leave early, especialy if ppl have 'caught' on to ur other gags.  u know how conv wisdom is that u shld always bring a pen + paper with u to meetings? not always true but especially true when ur not going to a meeting but want ppl to think u are. or that u came from one! strolling in at 11? if u come out of the elevator and someone sees u it's a bit suspicious, especially if it's a slow week/month/year even if you don thave a breifcase or a coat, BUT if you r carrying a notepad and a pen tucked away behind ur year, u don't even have to say a word, just point ot he pad with ur pen, and then piont to the pen with your pen 15, and say 'fuck off, mr. x'. or if ur leaving at 5:30 because u just cdlnt draw urself away from ur fatnasy football dealings to duck out at 4:30, pull the same gag.

notwithstanding the above, i wd add that when someone, especially an associate who is not a douche (but usually young) questions you about what u r doing, i dont feel the need to be misleading or untruthful. part of the point of my ramblings is hopefully to get people all ont he same boat so it doesnt become so counterculture to do things that make sense, however nonsensical that already is, and to make it so that the douchebags who would tattle on us are really the quislers, not the hardworking hookers, and by hookers, i mean monkeys that play hoooky. like the other day, some young affable fellow caught me in the elevator as i was leaving, at 7 no less, and asked me if i was goign to the gym. it was a slow month. hlaf the office was already gone. i had a blank stare. i said, fuck that, im going home. i redirected (hoping hed take my lead - it was somewhat obvious he had his coat on tetc) he said he was going to dinner. foul! excuse is fine when u r really dodging some work but when its obvious everyone is gone, i dont think its necessary to perpetuate the farce - at least among colleagues. it just makes it less acceptable, when it shld be perfectuly acceptble to dissapear when there's no need to be apparent in the first place. fuck half the partners aren't even around. even their fucking secretaries aren't around (idont know why tho they prolly should).

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Baby, It's Cold Outside (Playing Hooky V)

What do you get when you mix recession with cold weather? Answer: creative ways to sneak out of your corporate cage with your coat without making it look like your sneaking out of our corporate cage with your coat. duh.

For those lucky enough to live somewhere you think "snow" is just that cool RHCP song that steve jobs used when he debuted the iphone, fuck you. Anyway, here are some ways i've heard people use to get around this timeless conundrum:
  • be that guy that wears a sweater
  • try the 'fedex
  • if you don't have a fedex box, take it to the tailors. keep some old worn shopping bags in ur office and stuff ur coat in it to 'take it to the tailor/cleaner' at 5:30 before it closes
  • park closer to your office or in a garage connected to your building; keep the jacket in your car
  • keep a jacket in the office lobby on a different floor
  • keep cigarettes around and create an alter ego of urself that smokes a lot so constantly goes out for smokes, but in fact just leaves
  • beater, undershirt, dress shirt, vest/sweater, light jacket, gloves in your back pocket and ear muffs in ur front
  • get those heating packs from cvs and stuff them in ur pockets and ur shirt (or if ur in japan, hokkairo). ull be like the human torch
  • wear a suit, padded with news paper. ull look spiffy AND buff
  • change completely in your office before you leave - jeans, sneakers, beanie, the whole 9 yds, and pull ur hat down low over ur brow or wear a ski mask so that no one will know who the fuck you are
  • put on a santa suit
  • just leave at 4 for "coffee"
  • just leave at 12 for "lunch"
  • just leave

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Grocery Shopping

Do you suffer from obesity or weight gain so debilitating that even diabetes won't touch you? Do you have carpal tunnel syndrome in both wrists, your ankles AND your limp dick? Do your headaches cause your eyes to spew vomit and ur belly button to dirty talk to you inappropriately at night? Is your butt sore from explosive diarrhea or from wiping your ass too much because of your explosive diarrhea? Have your grumblings turned you into "that loser with no friends"? Were you always a "loser with no friends" (possibly because of your disgustingly explosive diarrhea)? Are you constantly tired, exasperated, frustrated, angry, drunk, self-conscious or annoying? Well, if you answered 'yes' or 'hell yes' to any of these questions, you have some serious fucking problems, and i dont think i can help u dude. On the ohter hand, if any of these questions prompted u to think about why you sometims go home late and have no time to go grocery shopping or are too damn tired to do so or ask your mom to get shit for you and u just want a glass of milk and a cookie (like it did for me), then  U R in LUCK.  did you know that most law firms have stores and stores of food, drink and hence, merriment, to last any hungry monkey the whoel night long if it so desired (i wonder why).  So yes if you choose to have breakfast at work or a snack or make coffee or something, you can have your OJ, your bagel or cereal, your cookies, your chips, your soda pop, your cracker, someone else's leftovers etc. right there. but also, if u r ever in need of any such crap at your own house, go for broke. im sure many have thought of this before, but there are a few things i think one shld keep in mind:
  • dont forget to bring a bag when you take shit. it will look odd when u walk out with piles of milk cartons and soda in your arms and odder when you drop that shit and it spills on ur pants and people think u jizzed urself.
  • think outside the box. in addition to juices and shit, wat about band-aids, medicine, kleenex, office supplies, espresso cups, aeron chairs. 
  • for god's sake wait until most people leave before you start taking stuff, or do it on the weekend. the biggest risk - other people will catch on and you will have massively depleted stores and some admin will start cutting back on quality and quantity, like buying albertson's brand soda pop instead of coke, waldryl instead of benadryl, or whatever, ruining it for everyone else. it's all about being surreptitious and maintaining subtext...um it's not stealing though - u r just taking wat u wld have used anyway but in a place-shifting way. 
  • look out for where the hidden cameras are. seriously. sometimes office have hidden cameras, not to catch dufuses like u, but usually to protect sensitive areas like computer supplies or servers. 
If you ever have had or iwll have the great opportunity to spend some time at a financial printer, all this stuff i just wrote, applies, but like, eight hundred times more. for those that don't know, the printer is kinda like a crackwhore's paradise, if crackwhore's were actually lazy pigs, or if i were talking abotu printers in the 70s (which im not, but which i hear really were filled with crack, whores and paradise). they have free everything. from inefficent and lazy bankers and ice cream to champagne, fr hot food to blankets and piillows to slippers and massage chairs (and in the 70s, dope and stripper poles?). in any case, one cant really describe the printers i think it just has to be experienced. but...i guess it could be akin to something like this:

Thursday, November 24, 2011


i've written about this before it hink, but i think there are some nuances to note that will make everyons life easier, as a delegator.
  • treat ur delegatee's nicely, with respect, and dignity. ull get more flies with honey than urine soaked rags that you use to slap them in the face. trust me, you will. or don't trust me, but trust this guy.
  • before you hit alt+w on ur keyboard or 'f' on ur bb, think, will it make me look like a bigger dick if i just got this mssg and i'm fwding it? there used to be one dude in my office we called the 'fastest f... forwarder' because the time stampes on the fwds would always be within one minute of the mesage. we peed in his coffee. naw just kidding. we shat in it. think about it.
  • have faith, until u have reason not to. unless ur dealing with real green fuckers or robots, trust in them a lil to do the right thing. sometims when u get an email from them telling u first theyll take care of something, its like watching ur kids grow up, go to college and get the fuck out of ur house. great feeling. and when u work with ppl a lot, and they get to know all of ur lil preferences, like the way u want ur spacing done, the format for checklists, precisely how tightly u like the vice on ur nutsak, etc., its sweet, like ur jobs on autopilot.
  • take the time to train the ones worth training. its like taking care of a plant or an egg, or like one of htose plants that grow out of eggs...now im not making that up. anyway, if u want it to grow up to be useful to u so that u can rip off some of its limbs and use them to flavor ur food, then u have to make sure u dont shit on them.
  • pick out the good ones. not all lil egglings are born the same. well all the egglings are prety much the same. but some grow thyme, some grow basil...they should have some that grow weed that wd be popular. anyway, point is, some might be cracked, rotten, or grow something stupid like parsley. dont waste ur time on ppl that suck. dont tell em that they suck, but avoid them, work with other people, etc. u can still be nice, but just give them less work or very specific instructions - they'll be happier with u and ull be happier overall. its not worth ur time to yell at someone who doesn't get it, doesn't want to get it, or is deaf. thinka bout it. the larger ur shop is, the more crappy monkeys and monkey helpers there will be, so chances may be higher u get a bad egg.
  • if u find a good one, stick with it. work him/her like a dog until they decide to quit or become jaded just like you, and that's when you quit.
  • work in california. everyone is happy there.
so much grass. so little time.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Working Remotely

just saw this - some FC tips on working remotely - not as applicable to professionals but some common sense points for those cml's who maybe short on it. or just whatever

places i have worked remotely from:

  • home
  • to and from home
  • other people's homes
  • public transportation
  • beaches
  • beaches in other countries
  • golf course
  • squash/tennis courts
  • restaurants
  • treadmill
  • in a meeting (for another deal)
  • CLE presentations
  • sidewalk
basically anywhere. u might be thinking, 'wtf why wd i want to work from a beach or restaurant or whatever - defeats the purpose!' and well u'd be absolutely unclefuckingly correct my astute simian slave, but then ask urself this, wat if u were on a beach, golf course or treadmill when u were actually supposed to be at ur desk. mu. ha. ha. just remember: bb + headset + delegates + a little creativity = sugar...and, in america, u all know wat sugar leads to...or if u dont:

so ditch that crapehanging dogsbody attitude and get with the pizrogram

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Fucking Around

One of my colleagues just walked around to all the staff to show them his laser beam shooting eyes.  He put in bottle caps between his glasses and his eyes.  Excellent.  Don't forget to have some fun once in a while, otherwise you'll go crazy. or maybe he's already crazy...

Friday, October 28, 2011

Update: roommate is gone

Just disappeared. guess the shit i left in his drawer did the trick. did i mention that was one way to deal with weird roommates? just be the bigger man, and give him a nice fucking desk turd.

Sunday, October 23, 2011


Sundays are great. y? bc people are fucking lazy. i mean this in the broadest sense possible. how many times have you heard or said to someone: "it would be great if you could get this to me by [xxx] morning." what exactly is meant or do you mean by (let's say [xxx] is monday for now) monday morning? well every single fucking time i've said it or had it said to me, whether it's a client or someone riding my ass or my giving shit to some poor fuck, it's never monday morning. in fact, it's barely 'morning'. we get in at 10, best. we checka z email. we get coffee. we go chat up our neighbors.  we read the news.  we buy low, sell high, or sometimes buy high, and get fucking scared and sell low and curse ourselves for listenign to our pompous megalomaniac trader friends who think they rule the world but should probably just be in prison. if we actually ahve work, we'll be doing it, rather than thinking about work that has since come back to us. it's the idea of pushing shit off your plate....onto someone else's. the whole idea of delegation is that you pass it off to someone else so you don't need to deal with that shit. so why would anyone want to look at something that you've already dished off? if u really aren't busy though, you may look at it, but then there's no rush. and if you're a client, you've probably got more shit to worry about than your lawyers documents which are always 20% later than promised and of which you only read 20%. if that. so the overarching principle here is that, u can work ur butt off to get something out to the other person by monday morning by sending it to them at 1AM the night before, but in most cases, it just makes you look like a gunner. and in the best case scenario, the person ur giving it to (if it's somene like me) wd just mutter, 'u fucking gunner'. or int he worst case scenario, the person ur giving it to (if it's a bitch) will be spurred on by ur gunnerness or already is a gunner and will just assume that ull do anything for them and give u more shit to lick of their ass.

<now, one caveat before i go on: sometims u finish shit early and want to delay sending ur stuff out to give u more time, and to give people the impression that u r working hard. i think there is a distinction between someone who is obviously trying to hard, and someone who is just busy and has to get shit done because of deadline. the difference is in the elicited response, or the desired elicited response. u want to avoid the exemplar replies i just gave, and if plausible, get someone to think, 'oh man, this guy is getting worked, let's try and give em a break'. got it? i guess in practcie u need to gauge ur situations and coutnerparties carefully, but for starters, instead of sending shit out at 1AM, try 5AM (on autosend). instead of bending over when people give u arbitrary deadlines, try flipping them the bird (in ur head or behind their back) and practicing ur negotiations by negotiating a better deal for u - based on logic>

anyway, the point is, sundays are great because u dont start in the office, u start at home. u dont wake up at 9 AM, u wake up whenever the fuck u want. u don't have to wear a shirt and pants, u wear a smile and a sombrero. u dont have to pretend ur running to the bathroom or a meeting when ur phone rings, u just throw that shit on the ground. and u dont have to worry abotu that fucking monday morning deadline, just do enough so that u can finish whatever u need to do in the 1.5 hours of work u get done before lunch on Monday (or 2.5 if u work thru 'lunch'). and who knows, maybe ull get a message that says "oh wait, nm we don't need that that soon because [the market has tanked and we're all goign to shoot ourselves][last minute meeting and mr. x isn't going to be able to look at it until that night][bitch is lazy and deosn't want to read that anyway]. we've been there, i've said it too. but what i've also said, and what i think people appreciate - given the spirit of the priniple of delegation - is that its preferable ot have the person take their time, and do a good job, then rush shit out, and take no ownership, responsiblity and thus no accoutnability for thier stinky doodoo. So if you are ever get called out on a deadline liek this - just say, u want more time to work and give something good, otw ur shit will be stinky (works real well with cleitns). and then they get to choose, stinky shit, or good shit, and it's informed consent. which means i think legally they can't bitch at u. trust me im a lawyer.

and u dont have to tell em its cuz u wanted ur fucking lazy sunday!

Friday, October 14, 2011

Liking your job

I had dinner with some extended family that was visiting town the other day. actually i never remembered meeting these people, i think they knew me when i was too young to wipe my own butt. but our parents put us in touch so i met them. the wife, my, uh...second or third cousin maybe or aunt i can't tell, anyway she's my relative, and her husband, is this dude - very gregarious, amicable, doesn't swear, scottish descent and apparently likes to drink but seems very normal. looks very healthy. but most importantly, he also looked fucking happy. we were talking about sports and activities and i was complaining about my health issues and sports injuriies and i thought we wd have a perfect comiseration moment but he scoffed at me cuz of our age difference, which until that moment, i didnt realize was so large. he said he was truning 46 next week, and i was fucking floored. the dude looked like he was ten or fifteen years young er than that. and it's not like he's a professional hammock tester or has some other cush job in an objective sense, he has to travel like 20 weeks out of the year all over the world, but he found something that really suit s his personality. that and he lives in oregon. so he's happy. u look at lawyers who age 20 years in 5 and yes part of it is objective job-related stress, but i think a bigger part of it is the stress of pushing the square peg that is most lawyers' true personality into the dildo-shaped hole that is a cml's jobn, amnd  u will be wise to note the implication of the metaphor here is that for this to work, ur persnaolity must in fact be shaped liek a dildo. think about it. how many people in ur law school class actually admitted they were there cuz they wanted to be a lawyer? yet how many go into cml jobs. instead of law school, they should just call it dildo school, and then ppl will be better poised to determine whether they actually want to be a dildo and better equipped to handle the stress...assuming, again, of course, that they all have brought their dildo shaped spirits. so think about it. i am.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Sharing is Caring...

I got a new officemate this week.  FUCK.  well, i guess being part of a civilized society demands that at times i learn to interact with and be in the same space as others....  actually, when i first started, i was also sharing, and i chocked it up to one of those rites of passage. we have two seats - one in the back by the window and one in the front near the door - the window and door seats. i was originally in the door, and then my then office-mate who was very nice, quiet and hygienic moved up to his own office, and i inherited the window. i lasted a long while without anyone, partly due to the recession i think. and now i'm in a position where most people in my class year really are not sharing, but we've recently started some rapid expansion program and are hiring a crap load of people. so i guess as part of that program they've decided to stick me with some funky dude with completely annoying habits. he shakes his legs incessantly, like he's literally got ants in his pants. his whole chair shakes, very distracting. good thing i have my screens blocking him almost completely from view (this also prevents him from randomly talking to me).one time, my secretary was in my office helping me with something and she told me after that his legs were shaking so much it made her want to grab them and rip em off.... and she was only in there for five minutes.  He's also go this 'breeding' problem - his breathing sounds like he's breeding. i've figured out they are actually sort of deep sighs, but not sexy, and very loud and distracting. and they get worse at night; literally every breath. Ugh. constantly with headphones on. and he's like MOVED in. he saw i had a bookcase. "oh i need one too1" sets up t it right against my desk, walled me in. he dosent even have any fucking books hes been here a few months. its all fiileld with food and weird ass kitchy crap. wtf? i've heard of some other bad office mate problems too. my friend once told me his officemate would devour every meal in the office, like a wild beast, chewing and spitting and slurping food loudly. people with BO. people that like to chat. people that generally just disrupt your lifestyle.

Anyway, i think one way to deal with them, although i think it may be too late for me to implement, is to just speak everytime you hear them do that weird thing "oh my god, are you okay?"...to draw attention to the habit. Or ignore it by plugging into some music. Or if it's just unfixable and really bad, talk to someone to change offices. You can also try smokin them out by making yourself a worse officemate then them (you can be creative here ^^). Like this guy:

Monday, September 26, 2011

Lifespan of a CML

A lawyer once told me that he saw his career split into several stages:

  1. Document stage: when you're a junior, you review docs, you do diligence, you draft
  2. Lawyer stage: as you become more senior, you negotiate, you deal with other lawyers across the table and under you
  3. Client stage: as the boss, you deal with clients, you get clients, you maintain clients
Maybe in the older days. I think now its more like:
  1. Document and Shit stage: yes you do start witha lot of docs. but you also start wiht a perpetual, paralyzing fear that you are never good enough, you have to get things down two hours ago all the time, and so, undoubtedly, shit ur pants.
  2. Client, Lawyer, Document and Shit stage: let's b serious. u alwys look at docs. u always end up drafting. i've seen even junior partners draft. u also now deal with other lawyers, lawyers above you, lawyers below you lawyers across from u from across teh world even. its a fucking lawyer orgy. and clieints. dont get me started. they go apeshit at the drop of a hat. at u. because they cant fuck with their good old friend the partner. there's gotta be a sscape goat. o i should call this the scapegoat intensive stage. and for al these reasons, you STILL shit ur pants.
  3. Boss stage: no one watches over ur shldr anymore. u dish shit off and do whatever the fuck u want. call corporate. get raises. do coke. buy a gun. shit on peoples' desks. chpo ur balls off. fuck a fish. turn into a rocket. fly into the sun. y? cuz u da boss! its true dude, i saw it.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Lawyering 101: Basics for the cap mkts corporate monkey lawyer

i am no cap mkts lawyer, nor do i aspire to be one. god no. altho with the mkt in the crapper these days i wdnt mind. nor am i really an ma attorney. fuck im not even really a lawyer, at least not at heart. not many people are i think.

however, i have done the soem o the shit that they do so kno a bit about what its like to be one. i wrote about it before. oh this hole blog is about it isn't it. well. in this series of posts, im hoping to inspire young wannabe cmls to actually, really, understand wat these lawyers do. for better or worse.

cap mkts, as ive said, is kinda like a meat grinder. u throw a bunch o random shit into a big funnel and subject that shit tos ome serious cranking - pressure, torque, some random rich dudes pube-laden beer belly as he turns that crank over an dover, and out comes some formulaic grade a shit. in real terms, i'd say that whole process is broken down like so:

  • disclosure preparation phase
  • documentation phase
  • execution phase
whether ur working on debt or equity, its still the same, just some parts r more exaggerated. and dependon how fast that unclefucker is turning the crank, these phases will overlap a lot or a little. 

in phase 1, u prepare a disclosreu doc, like a prospectus or offering memorandum or soemthgn. there's "dd" involved. let's jsut get this straight, when jr associates do "dd" for capital markets, despite what u hear and what u read in ur guidebooks, u most of the time go and sit in a room at the company (which is hopefuly located in paradise) and flip thru pages as quick as posisble for a few hours. go have drinks or a meal with the co. dudes who dont care who u r but like that ur young and a' 'gogetter' and get u drunk and u end up in a pile of feces or vomit or both in some gutter in zurich with a horse fucking prostitute peeing on u, from her horse. repeat for a week. or if ur have an e data room, u just do all that from ur desk. cant rememebr a single time something i noted in dd actually affected or made a difference int he disclosure. the real 'dd' is management dd, where the banks and the seniro people talk tot he companh and just ask them questions - 'is the company ok? r u lying to us? ur not just making up these numbers right?' and thecompany will say yes because it wants money. there's a lot of back and forth on the document, as a junior u end up just transcribing comments, scannign stuff, reading about things that m ake ur eyes bleed and the blood from ur eyes cry. yes, that's crying blood from ur eyes. look at any book when its done, kits still riddled with errors and shit, no one gives a shit. its a 'cya' doc. lawyers job is to put as much risk averse shit in there so that their client doesnt get sued. or loses. (first hign i learned tho on the job was that for 144a/reg s deals, and especially reg s deals, no one ever sues. awesome.) bankers job is to make the book sound good so it sells well. honestly, they can't write so they often delegate taht to the lawyers...conflict of interst much? anwyay, they sell everyting on the roadshow anywayher where they say watever the fuck they want. 

in phase 2, documentation, lawyers draft all the docs. there's usually a purchase agreement for buying the stufff from the company, then there are all these random things that banks get with the deal. comfort letters from auditors. legal opinons from counsel. arrangement letters for auditors. rep letters from banks to auditors. (audtiros suck byt he way.) and any ancillary docs - sometimes there are pledges, lockups, blood letters, blah blah. agreements among underwriters. here's a tip - a lto of this stuff is in standard forms - try to get peopel to sign up to that. like AAUs can just be incorpoated by reference. sometimes banks alreayd have signed master ones between them. sometims banks have agreed forms with auditors. rep letters are basically cut n paste. no one cares about legal opinons. no one reads comfort letters in the end. dont sweat it. my philsophy, this is just cya too - make the docs good enough so u dont look stupid when someone else goes back to look at it later - who will undoubtedly be some other cml. 

in phase 3, execution, its just being on top of the ball. i get like hudnreds or thousands of emails in the period beetween launching, pricng and closing - usuallly this happens in 2 weeks. it's all chasing paper. i wrfote abotu this before. 'throwing turds' i like to call it. at closing usually u ahve like a billion certificates and shit that need ot be delivered and someon has to sign that shit. of course its the lawyers job to make sure it goes right. company people dont care and will get pissed off at u if u dont tell thme. ay yes, that's the rub. no matter what happens. in these daeals, banks and issuers just dont give a hshit. it so formulaic - the process - the docs - etc., that u dont get any respect for the monkeying that u do, yes lo skill, but also lot of shit to deal with. and they just get angry if little things dont go ur away. the angriest ive seen someone get on a cap mkts deal is when one banker changed the position of another banks name on the cover. they were rip shit. at us. super. 

as for timing, in ipos, the first phase is really long because for some reason its more important. the next two phases r still there but take a backseat. for debt, usually it all accelerated so maybe eerythign in a month or two, depending on other stuff. whent he disclosure doc is all done, u 'launch' the deal. launch means banks go on a roadshow. usually 10 days or something. when that's done u 'price'. thats when u stay up and sign the purchase agreement, because it take s 12 hours usually to finagle a price by 0.1% which is based ona table anyway and then to 'sign' something. awful. then usually one week later, sometimes sooner, u close. which is when bonds r issued. the delay is really only to give laweyrs the time (barely) to do everyting. u shld just copy and paste this into ur capital markets final exam and see wat ur prof says. A+ all the way baby!!

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Multitasking & Billing

I remember one morning i was in the office on a weekend and saw my buddy there. he looked like a crack whore zombie witch troll. he said he'd been up all night. anyway, we were just chatting and we ended up talking about billing and shit. and when i asked him when he pulled an all nighter whether he bills 12 hours to one day and 12 hours to the next or just 24 on one - he kinda chuckled and said when he was putting in his time just now  for the 'day' but the system kept rejecting it. then he realized he was putting in 26 hours of time lol.  just goes to show u how desperately accurate and precise lawyers are when it comes to the getting the details right.

seriously though, what do u do when u r really multitasking? im pretty sure basically every firm has an official party line about multitasking/doublke billing or something like that, because u can never really be working on two things at once. or can u.... fuck if u bill the time it takes for u to take a piss, why not the time u r working on something else? like what if u r listening to a conference call, and working on a document at the same time. u dont need to realy participate on he call, just listen sometimes. be aware of what happens. chime in occasionally. what do u do? u cd try n parse out how mcuh time u actually 'particpated' on the call, and ho w much time u were typin g away. what about when ur doing both? what bout the fact that if u had not been on this call, u probably clda been making better use of ur time doing soemthing else? the best way to do this i think wd be to bill the time u were on the call, because u were responsible the whole time, and then bill the time u think u spent working on the doc. this isnt earthshatering. im sure uve ll been on that situation where ur on a cal with a partner, and they r sitting there on this call, working on something else, checking their email, surfing the net, opening their regular mail, reading a book, answering their cel phone, marking up other docs, whatever, and then some question comes up for them, their ears perk, and they go "sorry can you repeat that?" how do u think they bill this time? right. so ur just following in the glroius footsteps of ur role models here. there r lots of other situations where this comes up too - like working when traveling, working while reading, responding to emails in between working on somethign else, answering calls when working on something else. its not practical to switch timers everytime something happens, and u may well still be thkning about x whil u r doing y. so ur basically billing the time ur mind is in the game and ur body is engaged, whetehr or not they r focused on the samme thing. its not somethign u need to do consciously, i mean look at poor crack whore who billed 26 hours in a day, obvioulys he went thru added up the time he spent on the things he did, and he basicaly put in more hours worth o work than our feeble einsteinian time-space reality can account for, so he handled it the best way he could. the fact is, if u ask any two monkeys to do a task x, whether or not the multitask, they will both forecast and end up billing two different times for what they do, abnd both cd be equally justified.  this post is intendd to be just an attempt at making this blackbox phenomenon a bit more transparent, and i think there r two takeaways - 1. dont be afraid to multitask if it will boost ur efficiency, 2. u can bill that shit.  hell im on a call right now.

when in doubt, remember: role models

Monday, August 29, 2011

Leaving the Law - what the people's rapist can teach us

i think ive linked to this site before. he has some intersting articles it's an ex lawyer turned therapist writing about havin ga stress free life andshit. isn't it funny how there are so many successful ex-lawyers. just goes to show you how successful u can be as an ex-lawyer... and not a lawyer. just thinking off the top o my noggin (supplementd by verifigooglin).

Successful Ex-Lawyers
  • the peoples rapist dude
  • there was a dude who was a lawyer in the bay area or something and then bought a winery in the 70s/80s and went ont o be a big hoohaa. i think it was this guy but v possible there was more than one
  • there was the chick who became a baker. a lil searching and it turns out that basically fucking every lawyer has turned into a baker. (and just fo good measure the atl link has a nice quip from scalia about how cmls - im sure this is esp true for cmls - are worth less turd chuckers)
  • adam, the winner of australia's masterchef 2010 - i watched this it was prety exciting. who knows what kind of law he idd but he fucking kicks ass at cooking. there was a nother lawyer who was in the top 3 too. kind of ironic isn't it how at the bgeinng of their career, associates are stuck dealing with the rancid excrementory byproduct of what they gravitate towards making after they leave. obvi theres a strak realization or epiphone that many have that one wd rather be a producer than a composter. on a side note, i was sitting by a refuse centre the other day and saw some dude, shirtless and in shorts, withotu a mask, dealing with the foul shit that is our trash, for like an hour. and i tht to myself, i m pretty sure he doesnt complain as much as we do.
  • this dude. maybe its something about aussies. or spartans. or awesomeness.

  • that millionaire dude who got rich on a ponzi scheme. unftly i kno bout hiim cuz he got caught. dunno if that coutns as 'successful'. but at least he was out doin somethin for himself! 
  • this dude. he never actually practiced except as a summer i think. and not sure how 'successful' he is either....

  • there was that chick who like turned into a playboy bunnie or protnstar or something. ah yes, playboy bunny it is.
  • that dude on law n order - not dick wolf (altho dick did go to my one o my alma mater's rivals. does that mean anythign?) but that guy last name thompson...who plays a lawyer. u kno wat they say, if u cant hack as the real thing, just pretend to be one, get paid more, and become a senator. or somethign liek taht. at least he didnt end up president and get int he middle of a shit crossfire...
  • john grisham
  • the House writer guy. did some research, turns out he even went to harvard, and in true harvard fashion, made up his mind to quit what he was 'studying' before he even startd. good boy. 
anyway, u get the idea. lawyrsr whien and complain a lot. and they either (a) wimp out and stay miserable or (b) grow a pair  and do some awesome shit that enriches the world, like make fatty foods, make exciting law moveis, say 'fuck off' to the persians, produce House, capitulate to republicans, etc. yall got it in u. when its ur time b inspired and do sometin awesome.  as for me, in a yr hopefully ill be eitehr: making nadal and federer shit themselves in public - id settle for ramy ashour tho (ok may b a bit too old for this but even mlk had a crazy dream adn we were born on the same day); the next tiger...no not the golfer, literally i want to be a tiger fuckface; or on da jabowockeez  (u need to watch that fuckin awesome) crwew... or even this crew....damn thad be hot (just need to learn..ahem practice my bboy moves first).

o and in case u were wondering.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Microsoft and other shortcuts

okily dokily. so as promised, ive pasted some of the most common and less common but also usefl shortcuts that r used in our 'industry' and which think shld a) increase ur efficiency by at least 2,500 fold (no guarantee) and b) make you look like a fucking superstar in front of others (u must demonstrat skillz in frotn of others for this to work). first - a few general notes - 1. i left out excel cuz thas a whole nother can o worms that typically we dont deal with anyway. 2. u can always look up more on the "internet". it's what i did in the begining or by accident. 3. did u kno u cd assign ur own shortcuts to charactgrs? u proly do actually i think eveyr 1L learns it fr their writing teachers who tell u how to set that stupid section symbol as alt+s which is good because as a cml u never fucking use that stupid symbol ever again. im super cereal. 4. even if there r not shortcuts for a specific thing, or u cant for any reason make a shortcut (some firms have autoloading macros that will wipe ur personalizd shortcuts everytime u load word) u can learn the cmmds to get to ur thing on ur keyboard - i.e., , pressing 'alt' triggers the menus above, and pressing the letter that is underlined will open that menu (e.g., pressing alt + f will open the file menu, then presing 'n' will select 'new') - this is helpful for some slightly more complx xhsit like inserting crossreferencesa nd other lil brown nuggets. 5. for some items, i put in some minimnemonics incas u have trouble remembering shit. if u have real trouble u may want to read a book about guarntee ull have mofre fun than working.

Microsoft Word 2003 Shortcuts (note some of the formatting in this table isnt gonan show up right in the post cuz i did it in word first, and yes, this is an 8year old vresion of word. so suck my dick already.) this is not exhaustive btw but includes basically the ones i use most frequently.

Select text
Hold shift + direction key (use in combination with cursor functions below to select words, lines or paragraphs quickly) or click (if you have selected text, and you want to add or remove some from the selection in a linear fashion, hold shift and just click to where you want to extend/crop your selection)
Ctrl + A (selects all)*
f8 (selects items increaslingly, paly with it)
Move cursor
Ctrl + left/right (skips words)
Ctrl + up/down (skips paragraphs)
Ctrl + home/end (goes to beginning/end of doc)
Backspace/delete (whole words)
Ctrl + Backspace/del
Ctrl + C
Cut (think: eXcise)
Ctrl + X
Ctrl + V
Paste as unformatted text
Ctrl + 7 (varies depending on your system, if you don’t have it, you can always use the menu and select “paste special” – this is useful when a) converting pdfs and b) copying text from blacklines that you don’t want to reformat)
Bold, italics, underline
Ctrl + B, I, U
Ctrl + Shift + “+=”
Subscript (trial n error is better than a mnemnoci here)
Ctrl + “+=”
Double underline
Ctrl + Shift + D
All caps
Ctrl + Shift + A
Reg -> ALL CAPS -> Initial Caps
Shift + f3
Underline Words only
Ctrl + Shift + W
Open font menu
Ctrl + D (e.g., to make sometin small caps: highlight text, ctrl + d, alt + m, enter, feel like a champ)
Small Caps
Ctrl + Shift + K
Align left, cEnter, right, full Justification
Ctrl + L, E, R, J
Increase or decrease font size
Ctrl + Shift + > or <
Change Font
Ctrl + Shift + F
Zoom in or out
Ctrl + scroll up or down
Page break
Ctrl + enter
New doc
Ctrl + N
Open doc
Ctrl + O
Close window
Ctrl + W
Exit word (or any program)
Alt + f4
Ctrl + P
Print Preview
Ctrl + Alt + I or Ctrl + f2
Insert coMment
Ctrl + Alt + M
Change font to Symbol…(very useful btw; may not work on ur system)
Ctrl + Shift + Q
Maximize window
Alt + f10
Restore window
Alt + f5
Insert footnote
Ctrl + Alt + F (or Alt + I, n, n)
Spellcheck/grammar check
Ctrl + Z
Ctrl + Y or f4 or Alt + Enter
Find / Replace
Ctrl + F / H
Enable/Disable track changes
Ctrl + Shift + E
Update fields
Turn field into regular text
Ctrl + Shift + f9 (v useful if u need to turn cross-refs into text for any reason, create a pdf from a doc and dont want fields to fuck up or turn into that Error thing, or if u wanna check quickly if there are any errors - u can hard code with this, search for "Error" and than undo a few times to recode everything)
Insert cross-reference
Alt + I, n, r
Change a cross-reference to only include the number and not the word “Section” or “Article”
(Usually you can get around this by just selection “paragraph number only” etc. in the insert x-ref menu, but if the word “Section” or “article” is part of the heading may not worfk)
Alt + f9 to toggle the field codes, at the end of the code, type “\t” then Alt + f9 again
(or right click on the x-ref, t (to toggle field codes), “\t”, right click again, u (to update field code))
Ever need to insert a column in a table?
Highlight a whole column, right-click, select insert column
* Note: depending on your system, sometimes you want to cut and paste shit from one doc to another, sometimes you want to cut and paste the entire shit, but everytime you do so the formatting and shit gets allll fucked up. micrsfot is a bitch aint it. to preserve formatting in the target doc, what u need to do is to select all except for the very last paragraph symbol “” thing. To make sure you didn’t get it, click on the symbol in your toolbar which revelas all the formatting stuff, and just make sure to deselect it. 

PHEWWW. jesus fuck im tired. that took me loneer than any other postive written. i shld have just copied some website or asked my secrtery, but i felt this was imprtant enough to do it myself 'right' - (i asked the internet and my secretyr to do my regular work instead). that said, there are a lot more shortcuts that i use, not just in word, but in basically every other program (so many things are text based tho that word shortcuts tend to almost be universal across programs - just try it and c wat happens). other apps includ my browser (mostly moving fwd, bckwd, reloading pages, bookmarks etc - depends on ur browser, some of the word stuff works here too), outlook (a lot of it mirrors word but some basic things for sending, fwding, replying, calendar invites, etc.), billing program, pdf (splicing docs, inserting stuff, commenting), os etc. rather than go thru all thatfor each one, because everyns system is differnt with diff versions of these programs, suggest that u figrue out what cmmds u use the most and look up /figure out how to decapitate those efficiency bottlenecks with the champagne rapier that is ur penis. i mean google. i mean look up the shortcuts on google, with ur penis, to figure it out. remember: geting a legup on this shit may not make the differenc betwen u being a miserable cml and a (gag) succesful cml partner, but it wil make the difference betwen u being a miserable cml and a (hazzah!) kickass korean pc gamer wannabe who diarrheas into his moms face.

"who's my big boy?"

if ur curious (if u dont know wat that is a pictur of and have made it this far then yes ur curious) watch this. apposite 'hot key' shout out @ around 15:30...and bigboyness @ around 19:10

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Fucking Microsoft. Bill Gates I will gouge out your eyes and fuck your eye sockets with monkey shit

Helpful hint: when working on important docs esp under time pressure, hitting ctrl + s frequently is worth 100000000x its weight in gold.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Beautiful Days: throw that shit on the GROUND.

It's a fucking beautiful day today. It's days like today that make me cry when i'm sitting at my desk hurling monkey shit at other monkeys. a porcine partner came by today to talk to me about how proud he was and my prospects for hurling monkey shit at other monkeys in the future, how good i was at aiming the shit, how my shits were the smelliest, how i could crank out the most shit per day. something like that. all i could think about was the warm sun coming in through my office window, taunting me with its ebullient glow and soul-warming radiance. so fuck him, i took the shit i was working on, and u kno wat i did? i threw it on the GROUND. and now im gonna play some fucking tennis. ya. markets are in the shitter. not much is going on . if there is any time to relzize that balance is missing in ur life and to qstion whether lickin ur own butthole (i.e., work) is wroth whatevr it is ur suposed to get out of it? it is this type of day. so next time it hapens to u, just ask yosefl - u have two choices: (a) stay at ur desk, bitch and cuss and whine, leave at 7 go home pissy stuff ur face with regret and sorrow and get up yet another meiserable cml or (b) throw it on the ground and play tennis. i threw it on the gorund.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Dealing with Horrible Bosses. Part 3

one fo the most frequent questinos/gripes i hear are about bosses. and its not just limited to lawyers, bankers, regular corporate monkeys alike all have issues with their seniors. maybe bitchiness just brews better with age, a hypochondriac like junior complex or some other phenomenon but this is a common problem. and, i think a large part of job disatisfaction stems from having to deal with these horrible bosses, whether they really r horrible, or r just plain crazy. either way, u gotta deal with em, work with them, avoid them, change em, whatever to get by withotu vomting ur stress into their faces.

i think how u deal with them will depend a lot on their personality, your personality and tempermenet, etc. i ve written about this generally before i tink but just to add, i think a key principle in saving ur mind is to not to try and change ur bosses personality, behavior or attitude, but to change their personality, behaviro and attitude with respect to you. who cares if tehy r a bitch to everyone else, u need to look out for numero uno.  also, do u know how hard it is to change someone's nature? if uve ever been in any sort of intimate relationshipt (think parents, friends, signficant others, teachers, colleaguse) u prolly kno how hard it is to change someone, even if u r really close to someone and know them wel. now imagine doin it with someone u dont kno that well, r proly not friends with, and is older than u. tid be like trying to train a bull to walk around in a china shop without breaknig anything while taking heart-shaped shits, solving rubiks cubes.

so how can u change their attitude towards u.  no matter what their problem is, a universal communicator in relationships is trust. trust can get u a long fucking way in any realtionship. u need to get their trust. they will stop hounding u. they will stop micromangagin u. they will buy u breakfast and slap ur ass. if u think abotu the ideal situation, the horrible boss will just disappear, and turn u into the boss, delegating everytign to u. so, as a the people's rapist might pyschoadvise - try transmogrifying ursefl into them; put urself into their shoes, and really try to think how someone wsd give u confidence. like when u delegate to juniors, is it them doing a good job? is it them taking the bull byt he horns? is it being responsive? is it talking to them about personal stuff to get them to relax? is it offering free advice abotu their own problems? lip service? sycophantism? not all of this is always desirable, mind you. u need to weight he risk reward a little. if its pretty clear ud have to bend over backwards and kill urself on some deal before ur senior will relinquish the reins of terror and ridiculousness, probably best to try another method of escaping their debilitating grapplehold. like getting restaffed, taking a sudden family emergency vacation (remember, you have two grandparents on each side only), or something else creative. but i think most ppl can be worked with - remmebr most lawyers r just socially awkward and not necessarily complete fucknuts. some are complete fucknuts, tho.

so like i've said - ive managed to get by pretty well. befriending some bosses whom others have had a difficult time with have given me a lot lot lot of leeway. ive had to compromise a bit sometims (like spending an extra ten minutes at the end of meeeting asking some lonely dude about his day, his weekend whatever, find out what their interested in, pretend to be interested, get them excited to talk to you, etc. - this is a key to winning firends and influencing people (my dad gave me this when i was 12 and it has helped me succeed where ti counts, become disgustingly likeable at times, nail every face to face interview and keep my arch enemy coutn to zero ever since)), but it has been so well worth it. with the few outlier crazies, i have avoided them like hell, and it has generally worked out pretty well. so id say keep this principles in mind next time u find out uve got a harpee directing ur next deal.

and as a last interesting aside - a n interesting article about how difficult it wd be to actually change a person entrechend in its ways. keep in mind, its easier to turn urself into a teachers pet than to turn ur teacher into someone cool like randy marsh, this dude, that wolverine x batman abomination, or even the superman batman lovechild.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

In-House Counsel Salaries

once upon a time i was looking at jobs in-house at a bank. i flirted with this idea for quite a while and alsmot made the leap until i had th stark realization that if i joined a bank, even on the cost side, even as a alwyer, i could, in some sense, be considered a banker. i alomst vomited my anus. actually, what i really realized was that i have absolutely negative interst in finance, so leaving out of desperation (which unfroutnately is wat so many do) to do something even more realted to finance, wd be teeth-pullingly excruciating. but that's all neitehr here nor there. what i do want to write about, is for the many people wondering, and who are actually interested, how worth it really is it to move in-house (in a bank), which for many typical corporate monkey alwyers, is one of the most common 'exits'. i always asked friends who have since movd on and the answers were always something like 'its complicated'. okay, that's helpful, but not really. so one guy who worked in Asia gave me this comparison chart that a headhundrt had put together for people's comps at various banks in HK and Singapore, summarizing how much they made. it's below so you can take a look urself. it was in 2010.

bottomline: it depends. depends on your negotiating leverage, the market, the bank, etc. but generally speaking, if u leave when u r around a midlevel, u can get an offer that about matches or maybe beats ur current comp, but not necessarily on an apples to apples basis - ull prolly have more of ur salary be a 'performance'-based or market-linked bonus, with a bigger upside, perhaps equity comp, but overall lower incremental increases each year (much unlike law firms annual step ups). so ull basically be somewhat 'locked' in once u move if an duntil u fill someone else's shoes above VP lvel. from my own personal experience, i once looked at jobs when i was technically a 3d yr (but i hadn't even worked for 2 full years yet...funny how that works huh) and got at least one offer that beat my current comp, all in, bu about 10%, a european bank, which means the $/hr wd have been thru the roof! but anyway. just a lil FYI. (note that the amts below r in hong kong dollars cuz the firm that did this was in asia, so u need to subtract out some other benefits that wd be typical in asia for a more relevant comp in the US - like the home leave - see my post about law firm salaries)