Monday, February 14, 2011

Introduction to the Corporate Monkey Lawyer

I once saw this show about how the Thai harvest their coconuts.  Their brilliant idea? Use monkeys.  They go out to the palm tree fields or whatever with all their monkeys on leashes, and then they let them go.  The monkeys run up the trees, diligently pick all the ripe coconuts, throw 'em down, and then repeat. They do this in something like eight-hour shifts and collect thousands of coconuts. As their reward, the Thai throw them some yummy chunks of banana.

Why is this brilliant? Because the Thai don't have to do jack shit. Sure there's some work in the beginning, but that's only the very beginning, when they have to nab and leash that first monkey. After that, all the other monkeys see all these chunky bananas getting thrown around and they flock to those first monkeys to sign up for their own leashes. And the Thai just sit back and get fat on coconuts.

What, you say, does this have to do with me, and being a corporate lawyer? Everything. This is what corporate lawyers do, of course - we are diligent, banana hungry primates that fetch coconuts for the Thai, all the time tethered to our jobs by the steady flow of banana chunks and perks like five-star monkey cages when we go to far away palm tree fields.  As I was watching this show, I realized very clearly for the first time: I am just a fucking monkey, a corporate monkey lawyer.  We corporate lawyers are all monkeys, working for the man (and, yes, in some cases, even for the Thai). 

Anyway, I'm tired of being a fucking a monkey, and if you're like me, bet you are too.  One day soon I will renounce my monkey leash, but as a parting gift, I would like to share with all the other interested corporate monkey lawyers how I have greased my monkey tether to the brim, taking home maximum banana chunks, pulling the best coconuts without really busting my balls.  This is my life hack for lawyers.  And, if you were like me, and are interested in becoming a corporate monkey lawyer, I'm not going to discourage you, but instead just regale you with tales of what corporate monkey lawyers do (which I will reveal bit by bit through scintillating stories of my daily life, which will sound like me whining but I promise will actually be fascinating), and you can decide for yourself.

If you're curious about the actual coconut thing, it's a bit like this, except this is the 'show' version, so it's more elegant and this monkey gets paid in females, which i guess some lawyers i know can identify with.


  1. AnonymousJuly 26, 2011

    I know your pain. After I was released from a corporate monkey job, I came up with a way to vent my frustration. I made t-shirts that say "Not A Corporate Monkey."

    Hope you enjoy!

  2. Dude. awesome. i love the apron. thanks!


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