Friday, July 1, 2011

Playing Hooky IV / Escaping Work II

was having lunch wt one of my banker frinds the othr day and got anothr gem to add to the arsenal.

some firms leash theri ass.s like dogs, like prison murderer dogs. ankle bracelets and shit to keep track of where u r all the time, when u r out of the city, out of the state, country whatever. some firms make you divulge all plans all the time. or policies to make you give them 'emergency' contacts. etc. u need not comply and its advisable you do not - ur just risking that some douche partner will actualy try to use some of that info to contact you at some point and then they have somethng to point at when thy give you that stern passive-aggressive or just aggressive admonishmnet. i think one common thng is they will ask u to make sur u r reachable. or at least expect ur phone to be on all the time unless u r then they know when u r traveling. 

if ur traveling lez say over the wknd and u want ur phone off the hwole time. have at it. but IF some douche wants you, urgently, whether is for a deal that u didnt expect shit on, someone wants to ask u  a question or the worst - u r to be staffed - they may get pissd off at u.  i remeber one story a dude told me, he turned his phone on silent (just silent), overnight (just overnight), with no expectation of work. woke up to find like 10 missed calls and urgetn emails from the partner, starting from like 5 AM.  then he got schewed oout about how he needs to have his phone on all the time, this is a24-7 job. blah blah blah. depends kind of on who u work with but that is fuckin bs. my ballsy associte friend turns off his phone at 10pm everynight on the dot, unless hes still working. if ppl r gonna die cuz they cant find YOU, they'd give YOU a beeper, call you Dr. Monkey and would give u a special card that lets you drive 150mph on the freeway and flick off the chp when thye try to pull u over (yes doctros do actually ahve that card its the stuff of awesome-o). i digress. 

anyway, if u r traveling, and ur phone is off, when u do eventually jcechk ur email, if u get any of these emails or calls, u cd always play the sick card or something - but u can only do this a few times. my buddy was on a plane when he got those messages and showed my the transcript - went something like this:

banker boss: where in tarnation is my fucking thing that i wanted that doesnt matter actually
banker: [radio silence]
banker boss: helloooo? wtf ur phone isn't on. wtf.
banker: [radio silence]
banker boss: .... im going to fuck ur skull later with a nine iron taped to a baseball bat
banker: [after landing] hi dildo - sorry about the delayed response; i was in church all morning and had my phone off. still working on the stupid thing u want. 
banker boss: oh that's okay i totally understand; sorry to disturb you. no rush.

!! aamazing!! im not really a churchgoing man, perhaps u can tell, and u may or may not be iether. but if thers one thing that ppl dont want to get nailed on, is being insensitive to religion...the one last great frontier. sure u cd also say u were busy at the pedophile parade or the nazi sympathizer rally but that proly wdnt fly as well. there r other thngs u cd say tho that r equaly creative. 

anyway a few noteworthy pints:

  • most cell phones have a different ring sound to the caller when u r in a different country. better to be off and in church than cuahgt with yo pants down. (cuz if u call them back, they wnt know and wnt be any the wizer)
  • jewish sabbath is from sundown friday to sundown saturday. FRIDAY. FRIDAY. FRIDAY = party time
  • catholics go to church like 50 times a week. so cd u.
  • call it "temple" and u can be any religino u want. eg., i'm sorry, i was at temple all weekend for a special ceremony. u kno, the one where we induct a new brother by ripping out his heart with our bare hands. 
  • if ur a minority, pick somthgn sexy like buddhism, hinduism or find one on wikipedia (prefrablyu one that also entitles u to extra pay). if u r from some other underrepresented class, use that to ur advantage - technicaly i guess its not blasphmy (or wrong...) unless u actualy believe in the thing and it says u cant use it to ur advantage
  • make it a habit of never picking up ur phone when work ppl call anyway to condition them like animals
  • give urself a brak and assign specific ringtons to work people or ur friends so u dont freak out when ur phone rings
  • turn off that fucking red light on ur blackbery
  • dl bebuzz on ur bb to intordcs some pizzazz into ur life (itll change that red light into a blue one..or a 'disco' one)
  • according to law, no store is allowed to sell a toothbrush on the Sabbath in Providence, Rhode Island, but yhe same stores are allowed to sell toothpaste and mouthwash on Sundays. awesome
  • it's illegal in Alabama to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church. rad

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