Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Staying Healthy: My Pyramid of Happiness

whether u r a corporate monkey lawyer or just some monkey, a job is a job is a job and usu has some amt of stress, no matter how mcuh monkeying around u r able to get away with. so in addition to all my monkeying tricks, destressing techniques, etc. i think there are some v important basic fundamentals i try to follow that are essentila to being happy - or at least happy sas u can be while stickkng pineapples up ur bum. it's like trying to build a house wout a solid foundation - u can try and do as many fancy trix as u want to make it appear sturdy and to patch up all the lil cracks and shit, but when that earthquake comes, ull crumble withut ur bedrock.

so wat r these essentiasl? may not be exactly the same for everyone, but perhaps for most, and for me at least, i thnk the key is to stay healthy. when ur mom used to tell u that ur health always shld come first, she wasnt sellin u no crackrcok. try doing anything with a fever, migraines or flaming diarrhea before u disagree. but mroe than just being not sick, being healthy - like day to day, above average healthy - is important. think of it like htis - to the extent that ur job, ur life whatever makes u want to blow ur brains out, thats how much above par u need ot be healthy outside of that to counteract ur suicicadal tendencies. so in school for eg, u cd study all day and night and ace that test, and get a snazzy job where u cant socialize with anyone and look like frankenstein, or kinda study and go paly outside and still get a snazzy job where u continue to play outside. the choice, i think, shld be clear. i kno someone who has billed over 400 hrs consistently the past few months; he literally looks like shit. lik ea walking turd. face all bloated but wrinky. weird rashes blemishes acne and sores cover his body like random undisgested bits poking out of ur feces. and smelly. at this point, u just need to stop, and say to urself, is anything worth turning into a walking turd? doubt it.

so wat do i do to stay healthy? i got a v simple pyramid - u know kinda like the food pyramid before it turned into a web, and only one level, with three thigns. like a cowbell with a point on top. and these are like my top priorities, before anything else, will, as much as possible, honro this shit. at the top of my potent polygon is sleep. my god i fucking love sleep. if u dont, ur delusional from lack of sleep.  i need like at least 8.5 hours, but preferably 9, and preferably starting from before midnight. and u know wat, cuz it's at the top of my triangle, i almost always fucking get it! why not? is it that hard to make sure u get like one thing done in a day? get to bed early and get up late. im usu in the office by 10 (when there's work to be done), but even if i m late, no one is going to fire me. half the fucking office is not there before 1030, let alone the partners.  sleep is so key.  to help u realzie this if u dont, just look at when u dont get sleep. u first turn into a sloppy mess, then a raging lunatic, then a blithering incompetent ding dong, in that order. any of those things wil prolly more likely get u canned than being late fro sleeping in. so if u acknowlge its importantce, make sure u do it. (there are nights, i know, where people are up all night, where you work late, etc. sometims this just has to be done - u do get paid like 250k a year; but wat i dont get is succesive all nighters, late nights etc. u need the day to recuperate. convince someone that u cannot function if u dont recover by working under protest and doing a shitty job, conspicuously walk into a wall, fake vomit on ur boss, eat recycled paper in the hall, act out an anneurism...someone will send u home, and if not, u shld not be working there). and if u cant get a full 9 in a night for ay reason - early meeting or something - make sure to nap after lunch. best to sneak out to ur car or somewhere else one cant be found/distrubd.

second, is exercise. i exercise regularly. not cuz im a healthfreak or some crazy bitch obsessed with my weight, but cuz it makes me feel good. theres only so much fried chcken u can eat and not exercise before u start feeling like ur skin has actually changed into just a thin film of oil and ur sweat into gravy. its scientifcialy proven somwehre that exercise kicks ass. u shld read it in that jounral where it talks about it if u dont believe me but its true. find someting u like, make time for it and do it. that hour during lunch is good excuse, u always eat at ur desk anwyay so may as well use the hour to do something thatll make u feel nice for the rest of the time u feel like crap. or find any hour during the day bc i assure u no one is going to miss u that much or die in that hour. or n the morning before work if u can get up, or after work if that floats ur boat. if u cant get to the gym or no outlets nearby, u cd do little things everyday to just keep ur consciencse and heart afloat. like situps or pushups every morning (i do 7 min of continuous situps every am regardless of whethr i plan to get other exercise in - it has become such a routine its not a thing, helps me program and jump start my metabolism at a certin time every day, keeps me from having to buy new patns and takes less time than it takes to drop a 10 couric shit)

lastly - diet. again, not like the 'i'm on a diet' diet, but like the 'u r wat u eat' diet. i wd advise, binge on donuts and fried chicken only once every few weeks or while on vacation, get piss drunk only once in a while when there's an occasion or when friends r in town (u can drink normaly if thas ur destress or ur thing, but i wd advis against getting blackout, vomit in every orifice shitfaced too often), try to eat lighter meals more often rather than a few big meals. u can do that thing that dude did in supersize me, but only like once i think. just be moderate - dont need to be crazy. if u exrecise regularly, everythign shld balance out.

so that's it. sleep, eat, play. sounds simple btu for the lif eo f me almost all laywers i know have replaced my central cowbell of happiness with thre other thgns: work, bitch, work. i follow these fundamentals, do my de-stress, rake in the bananas and stay happy. so next time u find urself with a case of 35 with untimely acne, or um...a fever...just remembr this age old adage:

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