Monday, August 29, 2011

Leaving the Law - what the people's rapist can teach us

i think ive linked to this site before. he has some intersting articles it's an ex lawyer turned therapist writing about havin ga stress free life andshit. isn't it funny how there are so many successful ex-lawyers. just goes to show you how successful u can be as an ex-lawyer... and not a lawyer. just thinking off the top o my noggin (supplementd by verifigooglin).

Successful Ex-Lawyers
  • the peoples rapist dude
  • there was a dude who was a lawyer in the bay area or something and then bought a winery in the 70s/80s and went ont o be a big hoohaa. i think it was this guy but v possible there was more than one
  • there was the chick who became a baker. a lil searching and it turns out that basically fucking every lawyer has turned into a baker. (and just fo good measure the atl link has a nice quip from scalia about how cmls - im sure this is esp true for cmls - are worth less turd chuckers)
  • adam, the winner of australia's masterchef 2010 - i watched this it was prety exciting. who knows what kind of law he idd but he fucking kicks ass at cooking. there was a nother lawyer who was in the top 3 too. kind of ironic isn't it how at the bgeinng of their career, associates are stuck dealing with the rancid excrementory byproduct of what they gravitate towards making after they leave. obvi theres a strak realization or epiphone that many have that one wd rather be a producer than a composter. on a side note, i was sitting by a refuse centre the other day and saw some dude, shirtless and in shorts, withotu a mask, dealing with the foul shit that is our trash, for like an hour. and i tht to myself, i m pretty sure he doesnt complain as much as we do.
  • this dude. maybe its something about aussies. or spartans. or awesomeness.

  • that millionaire dude who got rich on a ponzi scheme. unftly i kno bout hiim cuz he got caught. dunno if that coutns as 'successful'. but at least he was out doin somethin for himself! 
  • this dude. he never actually practiced except as a summer i think. and not sure how 'successful' he is either....

  • there was that chick who like turned into a playboy bunnie or protnstar or something. ah yes, playboy bunny it is.
  • that dude on law n order - not dick wolf (altho dick did go to my one o my alma mater's rivals. does that mean anythign?) but that guy last name thompson...who plays a lawyer. u kno wat they say, if u cant hack as the real thing, just pretend to be one, get paid more, and become a senator. or somethign liek taht. at least he didnt end up president and get int he middle of a shit crossfire...
  • john grisham
  • the House writer guy. did some research, turns out he even went to harvard, and in true harvard fashion, made up his mind to quit what he was 'studying' before he even startd. good boy. 
anyway, u get the idea. lawyrsr whien and complain a lot. and they either (a) wimp out and stay miserable or (b) grow a pair  and do some awesome shit that enriches the world, like make fatty foods, make exciting law moveis, say 'fuck off' to the persians, produce House, capitulate to republicans, etc. yall got it in u. when its ur time b inspired and do sometin awesome.  as for me, in a yr hopefully ill be eitehr: making nadal and federer shit themselves in public - id settle for ramy ashour tho (ok may b a bit too old for this but even mlk had a crazy dream adn we were born on the same day); the next not the golfer, literally i want to be a tiger fuckface; or on da jabowockeez  (u need to watch that fuckin awesome) crwew... or even this crew....damn thad be hot (just need to learn..ahem practice my bboy moves first).

o and in case u were wondering.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Microsoft and other shortcuts

okily dokily. so as promised, ive pasted some of the most common and less common but also usefl shortcuts that r used in our 'industry' and which think shld a) increase ur efficiency by at least 2,500 fold (no guarantee) and b) make you look like a fucking superstar in front of others (u must demonstrat skillz in frotn of others for this to work). first - a few general notes - 1. i left out excel cuz thas a whole nother can o worms that typically we dont deal with anyway. 2. u can always look up more on the "internet". it's what i did in the begining or by accident. 3. did u kno u cd assign ur own shortcuts to charactgrs? u proly do actually i think eveyr 1L learns it fr their writing teachers who tell u how to set that stupid section symbol as alt+s which is good because as a cml u never fucking use that stupid symbol ever again. im super cereal. 4. even if there r not shortcuts for a specific thing, or u cant for any reason make a shortcut (some firms have autoloading macros that will wipe ur personalizd shortcuts everytime u load word) u can learn the cmmds to get to ur thing on ur keyboard - i.e., , pressing 'alt' triggers the menus above, and pressing the letter that is underlined will open that menu (e.g., pressing alt + f will open the file menu, then presing 'n' will select 'new') - this is helpful for some slightly more complx xhsit like inserting crossreferencesa nd other lil brown nuggets. 5. for some items, i put in some minimnemonics incas u have trouble remembering shit. if u have real trouble u may want to read a book about guarntee ull have mofre fun than working.

Microsoft Word 2003 Shortcuts (note some of the formatting in this table isnt gonan show up right in the post cuz i did it in word first, and yes, this is an 8year old vresion of word. so suck my dick already.) this is not exhaustive btw but includes basically the ones i use most frequently.

Select text
Hold shift + direction key (use in combination with cursor functions below to select words, lines or paragraphs quickly) or click (if you have selected text, and you want to add or remove some from the selection in a linear fashion, hold shift and just click to where you want to extend/crop your selection)
Ctrl + A (selects all)*
f8 (selects items increaslingly, paly with it)
Move cursor
Ctrl + left/right (skips words)
Ctrl + up/down (skips paragraphs)
Ctrl + home/end (goes to beginning/end of doc)
Backspace/delete (whole words)
Ctrl + Backspace/del
Ctrl + C
Cut (think: eXcise)
Ctrl + X
Ctrl + V
Paste as unformatted text
Ctrl + 7 (varies depending on your system, if you don’t have it, you can always use the menu and select “paste special” – this is useful when a) converting pdfs and b) copying text from blacklines that you don’t want to reformat)
Bold, italics, underline
Ctrl + B, I, U
Ctrl + Shift + “+=”
Subscript (trial n error is better than a mnemnoci here)
Ctrl + “+=”
Double underline
Ctrl + Shift + D
All caps
Ctrl + Shift + A
Reg -> ALL CAPS -> Initial Caps
Shift + f3
Underline Words only
Ctrl + Shift + W
Open font menu
Ctrl + D (e.g., to make sometin small caps: highlight text, ctrl + d, alt + m, enter, feel like a champ)
Small Caps
Ctrl + Shift + K
Align left, cEnter, right, full Justification
Ctrl + L, E, R, J
Increase or decrease font size
Ctrl + Shift + > or <
Change Font
Ctrl + Shift + F
Zoom in or out
Ctrl + scroll up or down
Page break
Ctrl + enter
New doc
Ctrl + N
Open doc
Ctrl + O
Close window
Ctrl + W
Exit word (or any program)
Alt + f4
Ctrl + P
Print Preview
Ctrl + Alt + I or Ctrl + f2
Insert coMment
Ctrl + Alt + M
Change font to Symbol…(very useful btw; may not work on ur system)
Ctrl + Shift + Q
Maximize window
Alt + f10
Restore window
Alt + f5
Insert footnote
Ctrl + Alt + F (or Alt + I, n, n)
Spellcheck/grammar check
Ctrl + Z
Ctrl + Y or f4 or Alt + Enter
Find / Replace
Ctrl + F / H
Enable/Disable track changes
Ctrl + Shift + E
Update fields
Turn field into regular text
Ctrl + Shift + f9 (v useful if u need to turn cross-refs into text for any reason, create a pdf from a doc and dont want fields to fuck up or turn into that Error thing, or if u wanna check quickly if there are any errors - u can hard code with this, search for "Error" and than undo a few times to recode everything)
Insert cross-reference
Alt + I, n, r
Change a cross-reference to only include the number and not the word “Section” or “Article”
(Usually you can get around this by just selection “paragraph number only” etc. in the insert x-ref menu, but if the word “Section” or “article” is part of the heading may not worfk)
Alt + f9 to toggle the field codes, at the end of the code, type “\t” then Alt + f9 again
(or right click on the x-ref, t (to toggle field codes), “\t”, right click again, u (to update field code))
Ever need to insert a column in a table?
Highlight a whole column, right-click, select insert column
* Note: depending on your system, sometimes you want to cut and paste shit from one doc to another, sometimes you want to cut and paste the entire shit, but everytime you do so the formatting and shit gets allll fucked up. micrsfot is a bitch aint it. to preserve formatting in the target doc, what u need to do is to select all except for the very last paragraph symbol “” thing. To make sure you didn’t get it, click on the symbol in your toolbar which revelas all the formatting stuff, and just make sure to deselect it. 

PHEWWW. jesus fuck im tired. that took me loneer than any other postive written. i shld have just copied some website or asked my secrtery, but i felt this was imprtant enough to do it myself 'right' - (i asked the internet and my secretyr to do my regular work instead). that said, there are a lot more shortcuts that i use, not just in word, but in basically every other program (so many things are text based tho that word shortcuts tend to almost be universal across programs - just try it and c wat happens). other apps includ my browser (mostly moving fwd, bckwd, reloading pages, bookmarks etc - depends on ur browser, some of the word stuff works here too), outlook (a lot of it mirrors word but some basic things for sending, fwding, replying, calendar invites, etc.), billing program, pdf (splicing docs, inserting stuff, commenting), os etc. rather than go thru all thatfor each one, because everyns system is differnt with diff versions of these programs, suggest that u figrue out what cmmds u use the most and look up /figure out how to decapitate those efficiency bottlenecks with the champagne rapier that is ur penis. i mean google. i mean look up the shortcuts on google, with ur penis, to figure it out. remember: geting a legup on this shit may not make the differenc betwen u being a miserable cml and a (gag) succesful cml partner, but it wil make the difference betwen u being a miserable cml and a (hazzah!) kickass korean pc gamer wannabe who diarrheas into his moms face.

"who's my big boy?"

if ur curious (if u dont know wat that is a pictur of and have made it this far then yes ur curious) watch this. apposite 'hot key' shout out @ around 15:30...and bigboyness @ around 19:10

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Fucking Microsoft. Bill Gates I will gouge out your eyes and fuck your eye sockets with monkey shit

Helpful hint: when working on important docs esp under time pressure, hitting ctrl + s frequently is worth 100000000x its weight in gold.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Beautiful Days: throw that shit on the GROUND.

It's a fucking beautiful day today. It's days like today that make me cry when i'm sitting at my desk hurling monkey shit at other monkeys. a porcine partner came by today to talk to me about how proud he was and my prospects for hurling monkey shit at other monkeys in the future, how good i was at aiming the shit, how my shits were the smelliest, how i could crank out the most shit per day. something like that. all i could think about was the warm sun coming in through my office window, taunting me with its ebullient glow and soul-warming radiance. so fuck him, i took the shit i was working on, and u kno wat i did? i threw it on the GROUND. and now im gonna play some fucking tennis. ya. markets are in the shitter. not much is going on . if there is any time to relzize that balance is missing in ur life and to qstion whether lickin ur own butthole (i.e., work) is wroth whatevr it is ur suposed to get out of it? it is this type of day. so next time it hapens to u, just ask yosefl - u have two choices: (a) stay at ur desk, bitch and cuss and whine, leave at 7 go home pissy stuff ur face with regret and sorrow and get up yet another meiserable cml or (b) throw it on the ground and play tennis. i threw it on the gorund.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Dealing with Horrible Bosses. Part 3

one fo the most frequent questinos/gripes i hear are about bosses. and its not just limited to lawyers, bankers, regular corporate monkeys alike all have issues with their seniors. maybe bitchiness just brews better with age, a hypochondriac like junior complex or some other phenomenon but this is a common problem. and, i think a large part of job disatisfaction stems from having to deal with these horrible bosses, whether they really r horrible, or r just plain crazy. either way, u gotta deal with em, work with them, avoid them, change em, whatever to get by withotu vomting ur stress into their faces.

i think how u deal with them will depend a lot on their personality, your personality and tempermenet, etc. i ve written about this generally before i tink but just to add, i think a key principle in saving ur mind is to not to try and change ur bosses personality, behavior or attitude, but to change their personality, behaviro and attitude with respect to you. who cares if tehy r a bitch to everyone else, u need to look out for numero uno.  also, do u know how hard it is to change someone's nature? if uve ever been in any sort of intimate relationshipt (think parents, friends, signficant others, teachers, colleaguse) u prolly kno how hard it is to change someone, even if u r really close to someone and know them wel. now imagine doin it with someone u dont kno that well, r proly not friends with, and is older than u. tid be like trying to train a bull to walk around in a china shop without breaknig anything while taking heart-shaped shits, solving rubiks cubes.

so how can u change their attitude towards u.  no matter what their problem is, a universal communicator in relationships is trust. trust can get u a long fucking way in any realtionship. u need to get their trust. they will stop hounding u. they will stop micromangagin u. they will buy u breakfast and slap ur ass. if u think abotu the ideal situation, the horrible boss will just disappear, and turn u into the boss, delegating everytign to u. so, as a the people's rapist might pyschoadvise - try transmogrifying ursefl into them; put urself into their shoes, and really try to think how someone wsd give u confidence. like when u delegate to juniors, is it them doing a good job? is it them taking the bull byt he horns? is it being responsive? is it talking to them about personal stuff to get them to relax? is it offering free advice abotu their own problems? lip service? sycophantism? not all of this is always desirable, mind you. u need to weight he risk reward a little. if its pretty clear ud have to bend over backwards and kill urself on some deal before ur senior will relinquish the reins of terror and ridiculousness, probably best to try another method of escaping their debilitating grapplehold. like getting restaffed, taking a sudden family emergency vacation (remember, you have two grandparents on each side only), or something else creative. but i think most ppl can be worked with - remmebr most lawyers r just socially awkward and not necessarily complete fucknuts. some are complete fucknuts, tho.

so like i've said - ive managed to get by pretty well. befriending some bosses whom others have had a difficult time with have given me a lot lot lot of leeway. ive had to compromise a bit sometims (like spending an extra ten minutes at the end of meeeting asking some lonely dude about his day, his weekend whatever, find out what their interested in, pretend to be interested, get them excited to talk to you, etc. - this is a key to winning firends and influencing people (my dad gave me this when i was 12 and it has helped me succeed where ti counts, become disgustingly likeable at times, nail every face to face interview and keep my arch enemy coutn to zero ever since)), but it has been so well worth it. with the few outlier crazies, i have avoided them like hell, and it has generally worked out pretty well. so id say keep this principles in mind next time u find out uve got a harpee directing ur next deal.

and as a last interesting aside - a n interesting article about how difficult it wd be to actually change a person entrechend in its ways. keep in mind, its easier to turn urself into a teachers pet than to turn ur teacher into someone cool like randy marsh, this dude, that wolverine x batman abomination, or even the superman batman lovechild.