Friday, October 28, 2011

Update: roommate is gone

Just disappeared. guess the shit i left in his drawer did the trick. did i mention that was one way to deal with weird roommates? just be the bigger man, and give him a nice fucking desk turd.

Sunday, October 23, 2011


Sundays are great. y? bc people are fucking lazy. i mean this in the broadest sense possible. how many times have you heard or said to someone: "it would be great if you could get this to me by [xxx] morning." what exactly is meant or do you mean by (let's say [xxx] is monday for now) monday morning? well every single fucking time i've said it or had it said to me, whether it's a client or someone riding my ass or my giving shit to some poor fuck, it's never monday morning. in fact, it's barely 'morning'. we get in at 10, best. we checka z email. we get coffee. we go chat up our neighbors.  we read the news.  we buy low, sell high, or sometimes buy high, and get fucking scared and sell low and curse ourselves for listenign to our pompous megalomaniac trader friends who think they rule the world but should probably just be in prison. if we actually ahve work, we'll be doing it, rather than thinking about work that has since come back to us. it's the idea of pushing shit off your plate....onto someone else's. the whole idea of delegation is that you pass it off to someone else so you don't need to deal with that shit. so why would anyone want to look at something that you've already dished off? if u really aren't busy though, you may look at it, but then there's no rush. and if you're a client, you've probably got more shit to worry about than your lawyers documents which are always 20% later than promised and of which you only read 20%. if that. so the overarching principle here is that, u can work ur butt off to get something out to the other person by monday morning by sending it to them at 1AM the night before, but in most cases, it just makes you look like a gunner. and in the best case scenario, the person ur giving it to (if it's somene like me) wd just mutter, 'u fucking gunner'. or int he worst case scenario, the person ur giving it to (if it's a bitch) will be spurred on by ur gunnerness or already is a gunner and will just assume that ull do anything for them and give u more shit to lick of their ass.

<now, one caveat before i go on: sometims u finish shit early and want to delay sending ur stuff out to give u more time, and to give people the impression that u r working hard. i think there is a distinction between someone who is obviously trying to hard, and someone who is just busy and has to get shit done because of deadline. the difference is in the elicited response, or the desired elicited response. u want to avoid the exemplar replies i just gave, and if plausible, get someone to think, 'oh man, this guy is getting worked, let's try and give em a break'. got it? i guess in practcie u need to gauge ur situations and coutnerparties carefully, but for starters, instead of sending shit out at 1AM, try 5AM (on autosend). instead of bending over when people give u arbitrary deadlines, try flipping them the bird (in ur head or behind their back) and practicing ur negotiations by negotiating a better deal for u - based on logic>

anyway, the point is, sundays are great because u dont start in the office, u start at home. u dont wake up at 9 AM, u wake up whenever the fuck u want. u don't have to wear a shirt and pants, u wear a smile and a sombrero. u dont have to pretend ur running to the bathroom or a meeting when ur phone rings, u just throw that shit on the ground. and u dont have to worry abotu that fucking monday morning deadline, just do enough so that u can finish whatever u need to do in the 1.5 hours of work u get done before lunch on Monday (or 2.5 if u work thru 'lunch'). and who knows, maybe ull get a message that says "oh wait, nm we don't need that that soon because [the market has tanked and we're all goign to shoot ourselves][last minute meeting and mr. x isn't going to be able to look at it until that night][bitch is lazy and deosn't want to read that anyway]. we've been there, i've said it too. but what i've also said, and what i think people appreciate - given the spirit of the priniple of delegation - is that its preferable ot have the person take their time, and do a good job, then rush shit out, and take no ownership, responsiblity and thus no accoutnability for thier stinky doodoo. So if you are ever get called out on a deadline liek this - just say, u want more time to work and give something good, otw ur shit will be stinky (works real well with cleitns). and then they get to choose, stinky shit, or good shit, and it's informed consent. which means i think legally they can't bitch at u. trust me im a lawyer.

and u dont have to tell em its cuz u wanted ur fucking lazy sunday!

Friday, October 14, 2011

Liking your job

I had dinner with some extended family that was visiting town the other day. actually i never remembered meeting these people, i think they knew me when i was too young to wipe my own butt. but our parents put us in touch so i met them. the wife, my, uh...second or third cousin maybe or aunt i can't tell, anyway she's my relative, and her husband, is this dude - very gregarious, amicable, doesn't swear, scottish descent and apparently likes to drink but seems very normal. looks very healthy. but most importantly, he also looked fucking happy. we were talking about sports and activities and i was complaining about my health issues and sports injuriies and i thought we wd have a perfect comiseration moment but he scoffed at me cuz of our age difference, which until that moment, i didnt realize was so large. he said he was truning 46 next week, and i was fucking floored. the dude looked like he was ten or fifteen years young er than that. and it's not like he's a professional hammock tester or has some other cush job in an objective sense, he has to travel like 20 weeks out of the year all over the world, but he found something that really suit s his personality. that and he lives in oregon. so he's happy. u look at lawyers who age 20 years in 5 and yes part of it is objective job-related stress, but i think a bigger part of it is the stress of pushing the square peg that is most lawyers' true personality into the dildo-shaped hole that is a cml's jobn, amnd  u will be wise to note the implication of the metaphor here is that for this to work, ur persnaolity must in fact be shaped liek a dildo. think about it. how many people in ur law school class actually admitted they were there cuz they wanted to be a lawyer? yet how many go into cml jobs. instead of law school, they should just call it dildo school, and then ppl will be better poised to determine whether they actually want to be a dildo and better equipped to handle the stress...assuming, again, of course, that they all have brought their dildo shaped spirits. so think about it. i am.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Sharing is Caring...

I got a new officemate this week.  FUCK.  well, i guess being part of a civilized society demands that at times i learn to interact with and be in the same space as others....  actually, when i first started, i was also sharing, and i chocked it up to one of those rites of passage. we have two seats - one in the back by the window and one in the front near the door - the window and door seats. i was originally in the door, and then my then office-mate who was very nice, quiet and hygienic moved up to his own office, and i inherited the window. i lasted a long while without anyone, partly due to the recession i think. and now i'm in a position where most people in my class year really are not sharing, but we've recently started some rapid expansion program and are hiring a crap load of people. so i guess as part of that program they've decided to stick me with some funky dude with completely annoying habits. he shakes his legs incessantly, like he's literally got ants in his pants. his whole chair shakes, very distracting. good thing i have my screens blocking him almost completely from view (this also prevents him from randomly talking to me).one time, my secretary was in my office helping me with something and she told me after that his legs were shaking so much it made her want to grab them and rip em off.... and she was only in there for five minutes.  He's also go this 'breeding' problem - his breathing sounds like he's breeding. i've figured out they are actually sort of deep sighs, but not sexy, and very loud and distracting. and they get worse at night; literally every breath. Ugh. constantly with headphones on. and he's like MOVED in. he saw i had a bookcase. "oh i need one too1" sets up t it right against my desk, walled me in. he dosent even have any fucking books hes been here a few months. its all fiileld with food and weird ass kitchy crap. wtf? i've heard of some other bad office mate problems too. my friend once told me his officemate would devour every meal in the office, like a wild beast, chewing and spitting and slurping food loudly. people with BO. people that like to chat. people that generally just disrupt your lifestyle.

Anyway, i think one way to deal with them, although i think it may be too late for me to implement, is to just speak everytime you hear them do that weird thing "oh my god, are you okay?" draw attention to the habit. Or ignore it by plugging into some music. Or if it's just unfixable and really bad, talk to someone to change offices. You can also try smokin them out by making yourself a worse officemate then them (you can be creative here ^^). Like this guy: