Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Law Firm Bonuses: How much do corporate lawyers really get shafted this season

So the consensus is in: lawyers really are all tight-lipped, crapehanging, monkey schlong-hoppers. Also, this just in, we love getting pole too. Our lovable ATL has gratefully let us all in on how our low-balling monkey suit bosses are lining their pockets with bananas and throwing us the peels. Well, jokes on them! If you stick bananas in your pockets, you'll have pockets full of creamy, wet banana mush, and we'll get biofuel grade delectables (so switch with us now if you're reading this).  OK, in all fairness, and to maintain some perspective, a bonus of a few tens of thousands of dollars is super. I'm not turning it down from some high horse pillared view of the world. Most people probably get a Christmas turkey for their bonus, and by Christmas turkey, i mean an e-card with a turkey dancing on it. Or nothing at all. For those that have only worked in law firms, most monkey shops don't always give you an automatic bonus every year, and even less - an automatic bonus that increases every year. or a 'promotion' every year either. crazy huh? I do wonder what bankers are getting this year. One banker buddy of mine told me that they would be thankful to not get fired. that's a pretty finger-lickin good bonus. I remember one dude who used to work at a bank that he described as 'not really on the low-end of the street, but rather completely off the street, like in brookylnn off the street' got a bonus that was less than our weekly salary, and depending on who u are...maybe less than a day's work. ouchie.

but on a somewhat serious note, can't someone (besides cahill cuz who the fuck works at cahill) step out of this rigormortis bonus line and stick ur neck out! 2010 - okay so part of the year was shitty, so we get a whole year of shitty bonus. but half of it was good! i rememebr billing a shitload. 2011 - okay so we're in a second dip or whatever, but i also remember billing a shitload in the first half. in fact, if you add up the two busy halves, i billed over 2,500. how can that justify two years of shitty bonuses?

Friday, December 16, 2011

Playing Hooky VI

here's anoterh tip for all u slackers that like to get in late/leave early, especialy if ppl have 'caught' on to ur other gags.  u know how conv wisdom is that u shld always bring a pen + paper with u to meetings? not always true but especially true when ur not going to a meeting but want ppl to think u are. or that u came from one! strolling in at 11? if u come out of the elevator and someone sees u it's a bit suspicious, especially if it's a slow week/month/year even if you don thave a breifcase or a coat, BUT if you r carrying a notepad and a pen tucked away behind ur year, u don't even have to say a word, just point ot he pad with ur pen, and then piont to the pen with your pen 15, and say 'fuck off, mr. x'. or if ur leaving at 5:30 because u just cdlnt draw urself away from ur fatnasy football dealings to duck out at 4:30, pull the same gag.

notwithstanding the above, i wd add that when someone, especially an associate who is not a douche (but usually young) questions you about what u r doing, i dont feel the need to be misleading or untruthful. part of the point of my ramblings is hopefully to get people all ont he same boat so it doesnt become so counterculture to do things that make sense, however nonsensical that already is, and to make it so that the douchebags who would tattle on us are really the quislers, not the hardworking hookers, and by hookers, i mean monkeys that play hoooky. like the other day, some young affable fellow caught me in the elevator as i was leaving, at 7 no less, and asked me if i was goign to the gym. it was a slow month. hlaf the office was already gone. i had a blank stare. i said, fuck that, im going home. i redirected (hoping hed take my lead - it was somewhat obvious he had his coat on tetc) he said he was going to dinner. foul! excuse is fine when u r really dodging some work but when its obvious everyone is gone, i dont think its necessary to perpetuate the farce - at least among colleagues. it just makes it less acceptable, when it shld be perfectuly acceptble to dissapear when there's no need to be apparent in the first place. fuck half the partners aren't even around. even their fucking secretaries aren't around (idont know why tho they prolly should).

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Baby, It's Cold Outside (Playing Hooky V)

What do you get when you mix recession with cold weather? Answer: creative ways to sneak out of your corporate cage with your coat without making it look like your sneaking out of our corporate cage with your coat. duh.

For those lucky enough to live somewhere you think "snow" is just that cool RHCP song that steve jobs used when he debuted the iphone, fuck you. Anyway, here are some ways i've heard people use to get around this timeless conundrum:
  • be that guy that wears a sweater
  • try the 'fedex
  • if you don't have a fedex box, take it to the tailors. keep some old worn shopping bags in ur office and stuff ur coat in it to 'take it to the tailor/cleaner' at 5:30 before it closes
  • park closer to your office or in a garage connected to your building; keep the jacket in your car
  • keep a jacket in the office lobby on a different floor
  • keep cigarettes around and create an alter ego of urself that smokes a lot so constantly goes out for smokes, but in fact just leaves
  • beater, undershirt, dress shirt, vest/sweater, light jacket, gloves in your back pocket and ear muffs in ur front
  • get those heating packs from cvs and stuff them in ur pockets and ur shirt (or if ur in japan, hokkairo). ull be like the human torch
  • wear a suit, padded with news paper. ull look spiffy AND buff
  • change completely in your office before you leave - jeans, sneakers, beanie, the whole 9 yds, and pull ur hat down low over ur brow or wear a ski mask so that no one will know who the fuck you are
  • put on a santa suit
  • just leave at 4 for "coffee"
  • just leave at 12 for "lunch"
  • just leave

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Grocery Shopping

Do you suffer from obesity or weight gain so debilitating that even diabetes won't touch you? Do you have carpal tunnel syndrome in both wrists, your ankles AND your limp dick? Do your headaches cause your eyes to spew vomit and ur belly button to dirty talk to you inappropriately at night? Is your butt sore from explosive diarrhea or from wiping your ass too much because of your explosive diarrhea? Have your grumblings turned you into "that loser with no friends"? Were you always a "loser with no friends" (possibly because of your disgustingly explosive diarrhea)? Are you constantly tired, exasperated, frustrated, angry, drunk, self-conscious or annoying? Well, if you answered 'yes' or 'hell yes' to any of these questions, you have some serious fucking problems, and i dont think i can help u dude. On the ohter hand, if any of these questions prompted u to think about why you sometims go home late and have no time to go grocery shopping or are too damn tired to do so or ask your mom to get shit for you and u just want a glass of milk and a cookie (like it did for me), then  U R in LUCK.  did you know that most law firms have stores and stores of food, drink and hence, merriment, to last any hungry monkey the whoel night long if it so desired (i wonder why).  So yes if you choose to have breakfast at work or a snack or make coffee or something, you can have your OJ, your bagel or cereal, your cookies, your chips, your soda pop, your cracker, someone else's leftovers etc. right there. but also, if u r ever in need of any such crap at your own house, go for broke. im sure many have thought of this before, but there are a few things i think one shld keep in mind:
  • dont forget to bring a bag when you take shit. it will look odd when u walk out with piles of milk cartons and soda in your arms and odder when you drop that shit and it spills on ur pants and people think u jizzed urself.
  • think outside the box. in addition to juices and shit, wat about band-aids, medicine, kleenex, office supplies, espresso cups, aeron chairs. 
  • for god's sake wait until most people leave before you start taking stuff, or do it on the weekend. the biggest risk - other people will catch on and you will have massively depleted stores and some admin will start cutting back on quality and quantity, like buying albertson's brand soda pop instead of coke, waldryl instead of benadryl, or whatever, ruining it for everyone else. it's all about being surreptitious and maintaining subtext...um it's not stealing though - u r just taking wat u wld have used anyway but in a place-shifting way. 
  • look out for where the hidden cameras are. seriously. sometimes office have hidden cameras, not to catch dufuses like u, but usually to protect sensitive areas like computer supplies or servers. 
If you ever have had or iwll have the great opportunity to spend some time at a financial printer, all this stuff i just wrote, applies, but like, eight hundred times more. for those that don't know, the printer is kinda like a crackwhore's paradise, if crackwhore's were actually lazy pigs, or if i were talking abotu printers in the 70s (which im not, but which i hear really were filled with crack, whores and paradise). they have free everything. from inefficent and lazy bankers and ice cream to champagne, fr hot food to blankets and piillows to slippers and massage chairs (and in the 70s, dope and stripper poles?). in any case, one cant really describe the printers i think it just has to be experienced. but...i guess it could be akin to something like this: