Thursday, December 1, 2011

Grocery Shopping

Do you suffer from obesity or weight gain so debilitating that even diabetes won't touch you? Do you have carpal tunnel syndrome in both wrists, your ankles AND your limp dick? Do your headaches cause your eyes to spew vomit and ur belly button to dirty talk to you inappropriately at night? Is your butt sore from explosive diarrhea or from wiping your ass too much because of your explosive diarrhea? Have your grumblings turned you into "that loser with no friends"? Were you always a "loser with no friends" (possibly because of your disgustingly explosive diarrhea)? Are you constantly tired, exasperated, frustrated, angry, drunk, self-conscious or annoying? Well, if you answered 'yes' or 'hell yes' to any of these questions, you have some serious fucking problems, and i dont think i can help u dude. On the ohter hand, if any of these questions prompted u to think about why you sometims go home late and have no time to go grocery shopping or are too damn tired to do so or ask your mom to get shit for you and u just want a glass of milk and a cookie (like it did for me), then  U R in LUCK.  did you know that most law firms have stores and stores of food, drink and hence, merriment, to last any hungry monkey the whoel night long if it so desired (i wonder why).  So yes if you choose to have breakfast at work or a snack or make coffee or something, you can have your OJ, your bagel or cereal, your cookies, your chips, your soda pop, your cracker, someone else's leftovers etc. right there. but also, if u r ever in need of any such crap at your own house, go for broke. im sure many have thought of this before, but there are a few things i think one shld keep in mind:
  • dont forget to bring a bag when you take shit. it will look odd when u walk out with piles of milk cartons and soda in your arms and odder when you drop that shit and it spills on ur pants and people think u jizzed urself.
  • think outside the box. in addition to juices and shit, wat about band-aids, medicine, kleenex, office supplies, espresso cups, aeron chairs. 
  • for god's sake wait until most people leave before you start taking stuff, or do it on the weekend. the biggest risk - other people will catch on and you will have massively depleted stores and some admin will start cutting back on quality and quantity, like buying albertson's brand soda pop instead of coke, waldryl instead of benadryl, or whatever, ruining it for everyone else. it's all about being surreptitious and maintaining it's not stealing though - u r just taking wat u wld have used anyway but in a place-shifting way. 
  • look out for where the hidden cameras are. seriously. sometimes office have hidden cameras, not to catch dufuses like u, but usually to protect sensitive areas like computer supplies or servers. 
If you ever have had or iwll have the great opportunity to spend some time at a financial printer, all this stuff i just wrote, applies, but like, eight hundred times more. for those that don't know, the printer is kinda like a crackwhore's paradise, if crackwhore's were actually lazy pigs, or if i were talking abotu printers in the 70s (which im not, but which i hear really were filled with crack, whores and paradise). they have free everything. from inefficent and lazy bankers and ice cream to champagne, fr hot food to blankets and piillows to slippers and massage chairs (and in the 70s, dope and stripper poles?). in any case, one cant really describe the printers i think it just has to be experienced. but...i guess it could be akin to something like this:

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