Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Law Firm Bonuses: How much do corporate lawyers really get shafted this season

So the consensus is in: lawyers really are all tight-lipped, crapehanging, monkey schlong-hoppers. Also, this just in, we love getting pole too. Our lovable ATL has gratefully let us all in on how our low-balling monkey suit bosses are lining their pockets with bananas and throwing us the peels. Well, jokes on them! If you stick bananas in your pockets, you'll have pockets full of creamy, wet banana mush, and we'll get biofuel grade delectables (so switch with us now if you're reading this).  OK, in all fairness, and to maintain some perspective, a bonus of a few tens of thousands of dollars is super. I'm not turning it down from some high horse pillared view of the world. Most people probably get a Christmas turkey for their bonus, and by Christmas turkey, i mean an e-card with a turkey dancing on it. Or nothing at all. For those that have only worked in law firms, most monkey shops don't always give you an automatic bonus every year, and even less - an automatic bonus that increases every year. or a 'promotion' every year either. crazy huh? I do wonder what bankers are getting this year. One banker buddy of mine told me that they would be thankful to not get fired. that's a pretty finger-lickin good bonus. I remember one dude who used to work at a bank that he described as 'not really on the low-end of the street, but rather completely off the street, like in brookylnn off the street' got a bonus that was less than our weekly salary, and depending on who u are...maybe less than a day's work. ouchie.

but on a somewhat serious note, can't someone (besides cahill cuz who the fuck works at cahill) step out of this rigormortis bonus line and stick ur neck out! 2010 - okay so part of the year was shitty, so we get a whole year of shitty bonus. but half of it was good! i rememebr billing a shitload. 2011 - okay so we're in a second dip or whatever, but i also remember billing a shitload in the first half. in fact, if you add up the two busy halves, i billed over 2,500. how can that justify two years of shitty bonuses?

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