Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Double Dip Recession

while the flannemouthed porcine bankers sweat and etiolate in their own feces-laden pig pens, it's party time for the service monkeys! that's u! sit back, relax, nutate in pleasant content at the numinous phenomenon that is the double dip recession. i.e., throw ur shit around like you're a crazy nasty ass honey badger and you just don't give a shit. fuck yea! if you're not sure what that means, read these and these, or fuck that and just stay in bed eating doritos all day.

for those of you that don't know what a double dip recession is because you already don't give a shit, here's the way I would explain it to, um, Peter Griffin:

a banker's perspective:

a CML perspective:

so, for those of you experiencing the slump, be thankful you have some job security. and go buy some doritos.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

What do M&A lawyers do?

So here's a short post in my series of 'what it's like to be a cml' - for those non-lawyers thnking about it and want to know what actually some do day-to-day. this is focusd on schmucks stuck doing "M&A" work.

unlike cap mkts, M&A is a lot less formulaic timewise, but sthere's still a pretty standard sequence of events that occur - something like this:

  • negotiate a term sheet: high-level discussions between principals and seniors, some minor drafting. probably the most actual value add (yes, believe it or not) that a monkey can give is here - advice in structuring a deal and what's "market"
  • due diligence: think - rubbing sandpaper with your eyes (if you are the buyer's counsel)
  • drafting deal documents: think - rubbing sandpaper with your brain, if you are not high enough on the corporate monkey ladder or you are but have only shitty low rungs on that ladder supporting you
  • negotiating deal documents: like watching two used car salesman peddle golden-covered shit to each other - mr. bullshit and dr. i'm full of shit bullshit the bullshitters. could be the most fun you have in a conference room, unless you the one you are trying to bullshit is a belligerent retard.
  • signing: like pricing, but it could last a week, or it could be as anticlimactic as pasou'llsing out at happy hour, which you could be at while it signs
  • closing: who cares you signed already
as i mentioned, depending on where you are on the cml ladder, you'll end up spending most of your time i think as follows:
  • junior: as any junior, whatever the fuck everyone else tells you. it sucks. at best, you'll have 'command' over due diligence, and will be responsible for...preparing first drafts, being on call, doing research, and doing all the shit work, making copies for the other people on your team, bringing packets to meetings, turning changes, etc.
  • senior: bossing around the junior, in a, uh, fun and meaningful way. you actually need to understand the diligence, finalizing drafts, negotiating docs, usually the term sheets, answering clients' frantic and stupid questions.
  • partner: taking vacations and looking pretty? no fucking clue.
that's about it. as far as corporate lawyers go, m&a is probably on the more 'interesting' side, because of what you get to do after you are no longer a junior person, but like any job, it'll always just be, sticking pineapples into your anus.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Tis the Season (Playing Hooky VII)

to be sick.

old man winter is upon us, and it's getting fucking cold. and you know what that means: get your flu vaccination, vitamin C, echinacea, drink lots of water, and do NOT get sick. and then, pretend to be sick and stay at home. remember that scene from ferris bueller's day off? or that scene from horrible bosses? something like that. i feel like my whole life as a corporate monkey lawyer is trying to emulate ferris bueller. he gets away with it AND gets the girl. shaa-BANG.

OK, anyway, short of building your own elaborate sick voice soundboard and/or sticking a pen down your throat and yakking all over someone, which you could do, here are some other ways to give credence to your uh....hol-ill-day.

i guess in general when you want to play hooky, there's a general risk/reward table you need to consider - the risk that you'll be caught and the ensuing 'punishment' (you can only cry wolf so many times before people start to call bullshit, but if you just don't show up and tell no one, it's not like you were lying to anyone, and if you have no work then this is probably the way to go), and the reward that you get (e.g. people trying not to bother you if you are sick, your 'right' to just ignore your phone, etc.).

with that in mind, if you want to call in sick, there are two ways to do it: leave in the middle of the day after appearing at work sick, or, just not showing up and calling in sick. the first is tougher because you have to credibly look sick, at least to someone, but then you've got a solid alibi rather than a questionable one. the second is obviously easier, but not necessarily simpler, because you still may need to have a 'sick' voice if called for some reason (and maybe that's a good idea), and it's always a nice idea to go back to work with a touch of whatever you used to have to make your 24-hour bug more believable. not all sicknesses are equal either. usually when you say 'sick' you think of the cold or flu, which is more likely during the cold season. but if you've used that or need something more short term (a morning/afternoon or just a day), sometimes a stomach bug works better - something funny you ate the night before or the day after. you don't need evidence for this which is even better, but something you can't use too often or conspicuously. most people don't like to go blabbing about their explosive diarrhea. i'd suggest calling it 'gastroenteritis' which is what the docs call it or just 'stomach problems'. usually people won't want to ask about it either, but unless you have a full blown stomach flu, lasts only a little while.

but if we are going to go with a cold/flu, physically, how can you look sickly? well, if you are a lawyer, you probably already look like a donkey has kicked the shit out of your face a few times. on top of that though, consider ice cubes on your nose, will redden it up and get you stuffy. rub your eyes excessively or with soapy water to get them red. turn of your lights and hold your head to get a nice sensitivity to light and noise theme going. practice your blank stare. wear a lot of clothes, even if the heater is on or it's not cold - like a sweater and gloves in the office. suck on a lozenge constantly (so you don't have to fake a phlegmy cough which is tough). act grubby and irascible, like your a little angry elf that gets made fun of too much. get 'caught' with your face planted on your keyboard. use pepper to fake sneezes. remember, you are an adult, people should give you the benefit of the doubt, so you don't need to overplay this, just a little so people are like 'oh shit (s)he is really sick, let's cut him a break', so that you can get 27 holes in without being bothered.

also, consider scheduling a doctor's appointment with your secretary, you can always pick up some more allergy medicine or something, and telling her to tell the other people you work with you are not feeling well. you know, out of courtesy. we aren't animals here.

this could be you

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Nap Time

nothing beats a good siesta compadre.  I just took one and even had a kick ass dream about flying and kicking the shit out of people that deserved it.  Some days i get to work and am just dead and need to recharge.  Don't fight it, just give in to the nap, man. Eat a nice heavy lunch, let the food colma set in, get your pillow / blanket, turn off the lights, close your door, tell your secretary to tell others you are busy and craaaash. I keep an eye mask in my desk to block out the light, and turn on some nice lulling music on pandora or youtube or my iphone - 20-30 minutes is good for me usually. feel free to use ur huggie. (not the diaper, the blanket with sleeves u twat).

And, if you have an office mate, you could always go look for an empty office (even better - no one would ever go there looking for you or anyone else, except for other wannabe nappers), or get out of the office - your car, nearby park bench or, if you live close enough, just go home. Sometimes i've gone home after lunch and just stayed home cuz i ended up doing everything from home! I mean why not. That's how dad did it. That's how I do it. And it's worked out pretty good so far.

it's a scientific fact that napping increases your productivity, efficiency, success, happiness, and overall testicular vigor. studies show it increases awesomeness by a factor of 50. wikipedia decrees it. there are whole offices and companies that base their culture around napping. there are races of people that are genetically programmed to nap...i think they are called europeans. and species of animals that spend more time napping than playing video games - seriously! and if ur curious about how it works with the ladies? well, 60% of the time, it works, 100% of the time. hell ya.